Hello 2011, Looking Good

Posted on January 30, 2011 by
Unidentified glass of dark red wine.

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My friends and compatriots in the wine business report that consumer enthusiasm (and participation) have increased with the turn of a new year. It’s anyone’s guess how and why wine purchase trends fluctuate but, realistically, I perceive the following: holiday time (ouchy for most), tax time (zowie for many), and the freshness of January 1st (a new slate for all) create the living, breathing cycle of life we call bidness.  Simple Math is and will remain quantitative, so this isn’t a report on tasting room traffic & conversions. There are spreadsheets you can buy for that. Here, it’s from the heart, and as I said, wineries all over Calfornia are saying their fans are pouring in thirsty and pouring out with full hands. Love it. Are we as vintners delivering value? You betcha. That is, if we want to keep the wheels turning. And how do we do that? I never claimed to know everything, but this is what I think:

1) Make great wine. Don’t take shortcuts. If it takes longer, then take the time.

2) Look at your costs. Put a profit margin in there if you’re feeding a family. A happy home = a happy business, and sustainability only follows balance and goodwill.

3) Do not jack up your prices just because you’ve got a healthy following, great ratings or spectacular competition results. Continue to price your wines so they remain accessible to “the rest of us” below the top 3% elite.

3)a.   Offer your wines to the elite anyway, and pray that they’ll take a chance on spending less.If they tell you (and someone did tell me a few years ago!) that they won’t spend less than $150 on a bottle, send ‘em one as a gift. Maybe the light will turn on. Maybe it won’t. That’s psychology for ya – a slippery slope. But it feels good to give something away anyhow, doesn’t it? Karma don’t lie.

4) Anyone who’s built wealth will tell you they did so by being frugal. Warren Buffett advised the public, “Never buy at retail.” Well, you have to sell your wine to consumers at retail but be generous! Offer deals to fans, and the word will spread, fueled by appreciation.

5) Pursue the unique. Blending is fabulous, but typically only in the bottle. Life is too fast-paced to take the wallflower approach.

6) Forget the norms. Test new ways. Eat breakfast lying down (not too frequently, since it’s actually known to cause acid reflux). Let the power of consensus rule the day. Practice the Golden Rule. Pour barrel samples. Be a cellar rat for free. Trade peaches for zinfandel. Help Social Media entrepreneurs help you. Be your own Social Media entrepreneur. Stop relying on uber-critics and become your own judge of a great wine. And tell someone when you’ve tasted an awesome vino!

The sun is shining on a Sonoma County January afternoon, and life as I see it is fantastic. My sympathies to those experiences tundra-like conditions. It will pass. It’s looking good all around.

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The Wine Scam Persists

Posted on September 18, 2010 by

Here we go, friends. It seems that the same old wine fraud scheme persists. This type of email, almost verbatim to what I’ve seen four times this year, is the bane of our business. I need to share the message first, then after you’ve read it, scratched your head in puzzlement, I shall describe what can potentially go down for the recipient of the email.

The transcript:

___________________

I don’t know if you got my last e-mail but am resending it again due to the problem i had with my mail account. please respond as to know how to proceed.

Hello, My name is Philippe Langner an American .I live and work here in Thailand . Actually when I was home last time in NY, I got a bottle of one of your wines from a friend as a gift and I loved it, Since then I have been planning on getting your wines for my wedding coming up soon, here in Thailand ,I got your contact through your website and I want to know if you will be able to supply me some cases of those wines.I will be making my payment via my American based credit card . I am registered with a shipping agency in USA, which has other representatives in USA .So you are not to get the wines shipped but the wines will be picked up at your location by this licensed shipping agency. The shipping agency have all the appropriate exportation documents and permits, Therefore concerning the shipping of the wines , I will refer you to this shipping company that will come for the pick up of the wines in your location once I have made my payment .They have got like items shipped to me here twice without any delay .Kindly get back to me so that I can make my orders.

P.S send all replies to ( PhilippeLangner@gmail.com ) for fast response.
Thanks.
Philippe
PhilippeLangner@gmail.com

Right, Philippe, you betcha. Or is your name Ngebwe, or is it Nikolai? Or perhaps Xiaoyang? Most likely not, according to officials at Western Union, CG Insurance, Mastercard and VISA. See, this is what could happen: The email comes in and looks mighty tempting to a winery hungry for a sale. So an email contact is made. The sender may or may not capture your IP address, but the ramifications of that range from small to worse, depending on your IT security. Chances are that the sender, having sent the email from a public ISP like gmail.com, yahoo.com, hotmail.com, etc., is as mobile as necessary. Perhaps even held at gunpoint and being coerced to write the message by the orchestrator of the scam, whose fingers probably never even touch the keyboard. The pawn may be a teenager who’s copying the master text and sending it out to a list of “info@_____” addresses attributed to wineries. The pawn may not even read English.

Next, regardless of what investigating you do (gee, who was it that poured my wine for you?), (say, maybe whowhere.com or Google can indicate who this sender is?), (how much does he want, which wine, how fast…time to make a contact), the scammers get prepared to answer questions in as aloof a manner as they must in order to get the deal underway. This, if you email your questions/concerns (remember, no phone number is provided), you may quickly engage a person who can smooth-talk you into an emotional investment. Classic victimization. So if you reach out and ask “Who’s the shipping company and what’s their contact info?” you’ll learn that the shipping company is just setting up a new office and doesn’t have a website  or phone system set up yet. You’ll learn that your Philippe has done business with the shippers numerous times without fault and that your preferred shipper cannot compete at all. You’ll learn that the person who just may call you back (if you’ve insisted they do prior to your lifting a finger to proceed with the logistical arrangements) has the uncanny ability to call you from a cell phone with spotty reception that belongs to a friend. You’ll get no contact with the principal of the freight company, even if you request it, because that person is perpetually busy. Philippe will also be hard to reach, out shopping with his wife as a subterfuge for connecting with the right people to handle these unreasonable requests for information. At last, if you decide that this is a deal you’d really like to make, you find out that Philippe will pay you with several credit cards. See, his CC company will refuse transactions if they’re too big, and the wedding is JUST AROUND THE CORNER. No time for delay!) These funds will clear, and whether the processing is cumbersome is just up to you and your systems. But you’ll see funds go straight to your bank, and all seems well.

Now, the next day, Philippe tells you that his wedding guest list has tripled, and he therefore needs much more wine. “Run the same cards, and if any decline, let me know,” he warmly tells you. Some cards will decline, and there may be a contact from the owner of one of those cards telling you that this transaction was never authorized. What to do? Must be a mix up. There are, after all, 16 digits to every credit card number, right? So, Philippe apologizes and gets you yet another card to run. Hey, the funds clear again. But wait – the shipping address doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t exist. Clear that up? “It’s a new office location, so it doesn’t show up in a Google query yet.” Hm.   Alright.   Oh, Philippe sends a little extra to take the edge off of the credit card processing fees. Very thoughtful. Bundled up, ready to go. Send the money to the freight company? Why doesn’t Philippe pay the freight company himself? Oh yeah, no time. All that wedding planning. He’d appreciate you doing it yourself with the money he’s sent you. You have to wire it. So you do. There’s a recipient of the money. It’s traceable. But who is this person? She’s in Thailand and her name is Clara Johnson? And hey. Philippe? I mean…Philippe? So Clara gets the money. Who’s she? Oh, she’s purportedly an employee, but you know what? She’s a patsy. She’s been hired to make a few extra bones but running errands, picking up money, delivering it to the scammers, and who know what will happen to her? Will she continue to enjoy this super-easy, very lucrative job? Will she disappear? Will she take the fall if the criminals get caught? Yes.  She’ll be the one the FBI or the Interpol will find. Local authorities won’t get involved in a cybercrime unless the stakes are related to matters of state. But there’s an overriding jurisdiction problem, so don’t bank on anyone helping over, say, a pallet of wedding wine.

But I get ahead of the game here. You’re wiring money, it’s received. It’s time to arrange for the hurry-up shipment. You make the plans with your warehouse. They pull and pack it, and bill for you this. If you’re still feeling lost over who’s who and what’s what, you may have opted to see this bill of lading through with your own two eyes. Guess what? You’re going to either hang around for hours at the warehouse to no avail, or you’re going to see an unbranded truck with your wine up and take it away. In the latter case, not so bad, right? You just sold a boatload to some weirdo – who may even have offered you a seat at the wedding – in friggin’ Bangkok! But in the former case, your time has been wasted, and call your new customer and the shipping company all you want but nobody will answer. The phone may even at this point become disconnected. Then, the funds you’ve secured ALL turn out to be from stolen, lost or cancelled cards, or – even better – generated by a $50 piece of software! The money you’ve pulled in must be returned. But wait – what about the money you’ve wired to the shipping company? Gone. Irretrievable. Magically, you can reverse all kinds of charges but the reality is that while they disappear from your bank account, they really don’t go anywhere as anything real. The nature of money, ideas of trust and symbolism – ut that’s for another blog.

There’s really not a lot more to say. This has happened numerous times to California wineries. It really need not happen again. I don’t have the time to offer a full, in-depth investigation but I’ll just keep it simple. Don’t be taken in by this crime. The emails are still circulating, and there’s a reason for that – somebody’s taking the bait. Let’s stop the madness. Please feel free to share this piece, and go ahead and Google the term “wine scam”, where you’ll run across some wonderful pieces written here and there.

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Volunteer Management

Posted on September 2, 2010 by
Autism spectrum

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At a major wine event with my wife. Surrounded by wine energy and the sheer feel of the building we’re in. A coastal ex-military facility awash in erstwhile foodie nostalgia. The smells of panini and zinfandel still cling to the windows. Happy to have a view; the crash bar door is open and we were placed just right to be able to see the pier.

A volunteer walks up and asks who did the brochure. I say, “We did.” She says, “Look at this. The graphic frame needs to blend into the background, not be visible.” I say, “We did it.” She says, “I’ll fix it for wine.” I say, “We did it. Intentionally. We’re artists.” She says, “Not so good. Give me wine and I’ll fix it.” My wife says, “You don’t fix art. There’s no judging it.” Volunteer: “Heh heh. It IS bad, don’t you agree?” I say, “Do you like my wines?” She says, “Yeah, but…” and just then, a guy from Connecticut comes up next to her and says, “I was over here earlier, and I wonder if you have a minute to talk about putting your wines in my portfolio.”
I say to the volunteer, “Thanks for your, um, help.”

It isn’t the participant’s purpose or right to manage a volunteer. It’s the volunteers’ leaders that reel them in and keep them on task. The participant (me) is to be courteous, and the human being (me) is to be honest while tactful. The lesson here is that while I bit my tongue and held my breath, the Fates had something better in store, bringing the distributor back to the table in the nick of time. Having been on both sides of the table – as a participant/exhibitor, attendee, volunteer, in-house staff and unionized technician – I’ve seen several scenarios run through. One thing I have learned about this type of situation is that, while any volunteer that doesn’t want to be there can certainly opt to bow out next year, a volunteer also has two things: 1) entitlement to an honest opinion 2) a responsibility to respect the participant as the reason for the event.

Later that night, my wife and rapped about it, and we wanted to chew that woman’s head clean off for insulting our work, detracting from my brand’s maiden voyage in this venue, and clogging up the space in front of the table (which is prime real estate in terms of investing in mindshare). However, it’s a good thing that we didn’t open up a candid can of whoop-ass. That volunteer could be the type to go right up the flagpole and complain to the event organizers about being told to beat it and find a freeway to play marbles on. She could also be a USPS-type pressure cooker. She could be: afflicted with Asperger’s Syndrome, sporting a thumbtack in her shoe, mourning the loss of a loved one, jealous, resentful to be a volunteer, anxious to assert her value, hustling a graphics gig, connected somehow to Alan Funt or You’ve Been Punked (nano-tech is not to be dismissed, and I don’t watch TV, so I wouldn’t ever see the aftereffects), freshly inaugurated into the annals of Twerp of the Year…. But I’m not responsible for shepherding her glitches. As a member of the population, her expression had its place, for some reason. The potential for a dream to distill and present nocturnal messaging to me about who I am and what’s to be done about any one of a few appointments/hangups/aspirations/issues MIGHT lead back to this volunteer and her big mouth. Everything happens for a reason.

So – lieutenants and captains of the volunteer corps – it’s OK to take on the help of anyone willing to support 5,000 winos in a great hall. Just know that while my wife and I took our lumps with grace, it’s a good idea to keep the ice handy in case a touchy curmudgeon (and the wine business abounds with them) responds to insults with something more old-fashioned.

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Testimonials from Family Winemakers SF 2010

Posted on August 28, 2010 by

First, some irreverent fun.

“My wife and I both agree. This is the best chardonnay of the whole festival this year. You’re gonna give David Ramey a run for the money.”
~ Paul Kronenberg, Organizer & Executive Director of Family Winemakers of California

“Best cabernet in the whole room.”
~ Pete M., Sacramento

“Best chardonnay by far, and I’ve been here for both two days.”
~ Angelica, Caliente Sisters Catering, Vallejo

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Ironies on the Road

Posted on August 25, 2010 by

It’s been an exciting month. I like to pour wine for different groups, getting feedback, telling the story, making new pals, all that. One of the most fun (yet challenging) aspects of the story is that 10% of the new people drop by to tell me that, as a math teacher, statistician, economist, rocket scientist, whatever, they saw the Simple Math name and just had to come over to see what was what. The great thing is that only 1 out of 10 wind up skulking away in disappointment, having learned what SIMPLE math is truly about. The other 9, even being in love with complicated math, seem to be absolutely OK with the concept. I think it’s because as they diddle with the abacus on my table, they learn that it’s pleasant to taste great wine without being bombarded with, “Yeah, it was tricky in ’08. Only got 27.7264 Brix and had to bring out the chemistry set and do a 14% solution of yakkity-yak to achieve a more even blabbity-blah. Yep, it’s really important to yada-yada to a level of hoody-boody-percent so that the glurgy-furgy ratio can make my wines better than any you’ll ever taste because I perform only the highest levels of important math, not to mention that I sound intelligent and therefore deserve more of your time”….

Another thing they learn is that, while internally resembling such puffery, they’ve forgotten what the pi symbol looks like:

pie

pie ala pi

or even the simplest, which word processing programs have built in:

pi

This has nothing to do with anything but pi.

Now, despite similarities (the art of visual branding isn’t learned overnight):

The SMC Logo

This is my logo. It is not pi.

Then, the greatest of ironies was that a volunteer came over to do a little tasting and blowing LOTS of hot air. An amateur winemaker, he really just needed validation but I felt like I was in class at UC Davis. And I didn’t care at all what he went through, bleeding off and adding water, and what chemical results he was achieving. Sorry – I would have cared had we been elsewhere and had it been a discourse marked by give-and-take, but this lad was blowing the hottest air ever, and I needed to attend to 5 patient people behind him. At the Simple Math Cellars table. Like going to Amish country and handing out business cards for folks to stop by and see you at the Lexus dealership.

Well, I love the public and I love my readers, and I have opinions. Time’s a commodity, so I thank you for yours spent here. Please lend your comments.

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Helping Out Where Necessary

Posted on August 18, 2010 by

It’s always gonna happen for a reason. That’s what I began saying in earnest once, at the tender milestone of 25,  I examined the sequence and qualities of life’s events. One day I was a hybrid of audio engineer/construction worker, wearing a harness with a dB meter strapped to my hip. The next day I was a bona fide fashion model, wearing a swimsuit with a water pistol that would’ve been strapped to my hip had I accessorized with a holster. Life is odd; it comes in waves of inclination and quantum packets of incident. But none of it stacks up to be an accident.

On to the wine! Tomorrow, for local readers, is another public event for Simple Math Cellars. If you crave the nightlife, or just enjoy freebies in a classy environment, tune in. I’ve been asked to show up and pour for VinoModa’s Big Bite Fashion Awakening in San Francisco. Designers, DJs, cocktail & hors d’oeuvres purveyors, makeover stuff, all that. And I’ll be pouring my wines in the house, but I don’t think I’ll actually bring up the part about being a swimwear model eons ago. It’s embarrassing and irrelevant to the evening’s special purpose – to help people put on a couple of pounds, right? Just kidding.

Come on by, or check out what the press has to say afterwards – the SF Chronicle, NBCBayArea.com, IndieFashion, 7×7, and others will be on hand. I actually look forward to checking out the vegan handbag concept by designer Amber Pollard. Cool concept. Goes well with my organic/biodynamic/sustainable winemaking ethic that goes so well with my sassy “zero-styrofoam” packaging that’s fully recyclable.

Get a super-discounted ticket (regularly $36, down to $12!): http://bitebigdeals.eventbrite.com/

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Simple Math ’08 Napa Cab Scores an A

Posted on June 21, 2010 by

I was never a fan of “complicated” math.  As humans, we just prefer to do what we love, right? So, as a result, I was a B student in my youth – my right brain earned me the A’s and my left brain saddled me with C’s.

Now, C ain’t bad, they always said. It implies that you’ve mastered 70-79% of the material, or at least have found a way to regurgitate it with 70-79% accuracy. That can be construed close enough for jazz. (Jazz, incidentally, was an obsession for me, consuming 2-5 hours of every day and garnering me some nice accolades in the trombone world. It sure beat inverting cosecant formulas and splitting hairs!) So then, the A is the apex, right, connoting perfection and all that? B is actually very good in the big picture, unless you’re engaging in the brutal college-acceptance wars as I was. Conveniently or otherwise, Cornell/MIT/Renssalaer weren’t on the financial horizon, so my cumulative B was a good deal and got me where I needed to be.

In the wine world, on the continent of acclaim, in the country of acceptance, within the province of viability and tucked away in that tiny village dubbed marketshare lies a hallowed scroll that rests in a gilt leather case. This revered scrap of rice paper has inscribed upon it but one word: CHOICE. What’s to choose? One – a vintner – is to choose whether a score from a wine critic is going to be a self-identifier or a piece of leverage. Will it toll the death knell? For some, the poor score has, but within that conundrum is the decision about who you’re asking to review your wine. You have to watch what the critics publish, learn their styles, who their heroes are, what paints their wagons red. If you come home with a crappy grade, or what your peers say “nyah-nyah” and claim a crappy grade is based on the fact that they avoided being thrown under the bus, your choice doesn’t have to be whether to go back into government work or eat a can of worms. You can look at the score and remember that C ain’t bad (we’re assuming you were able to pull a 70, though I’ve only given one of those once myself as the critic you never heard of) and that this number doesn’t encompass who you are as a beautiful person who seeks justice and love and enjoys riding horseback in the silvery moonlight. You can “go git ‘em next time” if you want to. BUT – if you manage to ace the test, remember this as well – it was one critic who handed you a nice rating, and if you’ve done your homework prior to submitting your baby (bottle, that is) to her/him, you will recognize that a 90 one day could have been an 85 the next, or a 94 the following week. Every critic is human, and if you’re in the right place at the right time, that human can brighten your day just as much as if you’d never submitted wine to her/him in the first place.

So, thank you to Meridith May of the Tasting Panel Magazine for giving me a 90 on the Simple Math Cellars 2008 Napa Valley cabernet sauvignon. If there’s any left in the near future, let’s share a bottle. I look forward to reading your insightful words in the July issue.      Cheers, Christian

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